kindly shut the hell up so I can go to sleep.
"Who Matt? Well he's... he's a little bit... lost."
"It's just that you've got so much unrealised potential!"
I've heard this sort of stuff all my life. Thing is - the folks saying it are not wrong. It's always saddened me - frustrated me - more than I can put into words, but it's also the Truth.
I'm a forty year old man who has absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up. What's worse - when I try to focus on something and figure out if that's what I should go after, it's like trying to find details in the dark. The closer I look, the less I see clearly. That is, at least until I'm distracted by my desire to help someone else with something that they're doing or working on. Then whatever I was trying to see gets completely lost. Call it ADHD of the soul.
I've lived my life in a reactionary fashion. Never with anything resembling a plan. Just stimulus - response.
The Aimless Drifter.
While it may not be a wholly bad way to live, it's also not really a good way to live. In fact, one can begin to feel like their life is not really their own, but rather just a response to the musings of the Norns.
You need to make decisions, grasp opportunities, and maybe even plan things out once in a while to feel real ownership of your life. It gets you (for lack of a better term) invested in a way that simply responding does not.
I fear that leaving my life on its current path won't change things much. It's too easy for me to simply keep on reacting to things and to the people in my life. I have too many good and interesting people in my life. (I know - good problems to have - right?) It's time to knock the train off its tracks. Blow up the bridge. Create a little chaos.
My last day at work will be this Friday. My lease on my apartment ends on the 31st. Mark has graciously allowed me to couch surf for a short while as I get some things together, and I get rid of damn near all my worldly possessions in preparation for what comes next:
I'm going to ride off into the sunset with nothing more than what I can fit in my saddlebags.
I'm headed west. I'm hitting the reset button and starting fresh. I'm going to make a decision and live with the consequences. I'm going to stop reacting to my life and start taking charge of it.
And it will all start with an Adventure.
32nd Annual DELAWARE VALLEY A.B.A.T.E. TOY RUN “FOR THE KIDS”
Broke down 20 miles out from Wheeling WV.
More news when I have it.
Had an excellent couple of days. Got a chance to hang out with Trina and Ben and was able to play with the boys.
I was able to get an advanced preview of their new places while they juggled contractors. Looks great, and I think it's going to be perfect for them. The boys will have a lot of room to play and Mom and Dad will even have office space to work from. Did I mention the ginormous garage and my abject jealousy?
Gabe's got a new thing- he sits on you if he likes you. He wants to be close. Christian and I got to make a pillow fort. Couldn't possibly ask for better times.
Now I'm getting back on the road. Following the scenic road along the coast, though I'm not sure how much I'll be able to see - it's pretty foggy. Headed south and I may stop in and see Ben at his office for one last brief visit.
Then onward to Columbus, OH by way of Fort Wayne Indiana (I'm taking a slightly slower route so that it's not all freeway miles.
Or, more to the point- I'm taking my time headed back.
Seeing some impressive colors in Ohio's fall folliage. They do seem to be further into the season though- more bare trees than Wilmington. More bare trees means more wind. Wind is not my friend today.
Safe and sound (if exhausted, cold, and wet) in a cheap hotel room (Motel 8) in Youngstown OH.
Got a MUCH later start than originally planned, but I ended the day two states away, and with many a scenic landscape beheld.
At a rest stop outside Bedford PA off rt. 76. Delayed putting the gloves on too long, so I'm thawing out my hands. Which makes typing...tricky.